vampthenewblack: (Default)
2016-05-25 10:03 pm

The Objectivity of Value

A thing just hit me. See, a couple days ago, I wrote a fic of ~1k. Start to finish, done in a day.

Now that might not seem like such a big achievement, and maybe it's not, I mean, on a normal day I'll easily hit 1k of a longer fic, and on a really good day I can do 4. Lots of people I know do more.

But when you've gone as many months as I have without posting anything, while also keeping up a regular writing schedule, finishing something, even 1k, is a big achievement.

Okay, so, it's not actually the first thing I've finished in however many months it's been. I've finished a couple things. Just a few. Longer things, though, and I've either rewritten them until I lost the plot and ran screaming, or filed them away for 'future edits'.

Yeah. I may have finished a couple things, but I haven't finished them, if you know what I mean.

That's almost relevant to what just occurred to me. Almost.

So, I finished this very short thing. And I looked at it, and I thought, well, that's editable. A few tweaks here and there, some line edits and spell checking, and that's postable.

And that, for me, lately, is fucking phenomenal. No rewrites from scratch. No tearing it apart only to completely fail at putting it back together again. Just a quick tidy up and throw it out into the world.

There's a few reasons for that.

  1. It's short. It's always going to be quick, whatever you're doing to it.
  2. It's pure porn without the remotest hint of plot. There's really nothing to fix.

But then comes the problem I have. I don't think it's good enough to post.

I overthink stuff, I'm told, and yes, I totally do. I admit that. But this...it isn't particularly good. It's passable, I think the grammar is reasonably sound, the spelling doesn't suck, it makes a certain amount of sense. It's porn, and I don't think it's bad porn, I mean, there's no turgid lengths and no one's getting reamed by a horse or anything, so yay?

It just seems flat to me. And, in my opinion, it could be lifted out of that flatness by the addition of some plot.

And therein lies my problem. I don't value this short bit of pwp, simply because of what it is. There's no plot. Nothing happens except for a bit of fucking.

But I know that as soon as I start putting plot into it, it'll balloon into a 30k epic, I'll hit a wall, break it, cry, and shove it into a folder so deep on my hard drive I'll never see it again.

That's just what happens to me lately, but I'm kind of over bitching about it, so I'm just going to leave that there.

My problem here is, I don't seem to value fic as much if it doesn't have that plot.

I used to read and write a lot of short pwp. Loved it, for years and years, that was my bag, baby. I was a short porn activist, even, proselytizing on the form to anyone who would listen.

Oh, how we change.

I still love a good bit of porn, but nowadays I need it framed in stuff happening. I need a fucking reason for the fucking, you know?

So. I don't value the thing that I just wrote because it's short and has no plot, and I do put value on longer fic where shit actually happens.

So I read longer, plotty fics, and I tend to scroll past the short fic marked pwp. Likewise, I only feel confident posting longer fic with plot, because that's what I personally value, but I can't do that right now. And I don't know what to do with this short thing simply because it's pwp and I don't feel like it's worth posting.

Sigh.

Later: I ended up posting it to a sock account I use for stuff I don't want on my regular AO3 account. It holds the really taboo stuff I can't be arsed dealing with wank over, and some really fucking odd shit I've written in the past.

But, hey. I wrote something. And I edited it. And I posted it (even in a really cowardly manner). That's something. It's progress.

What's really fucked up about the whole thing, though, is that just because I don't value it, doesn't mean there's not readers out there that do value short smut, just like I used to, back in the day. Case in point: it's getting a decent amount of kudos, and some really positive comments.

The moral of the story? I really really do overthink shit, far too much, and I need to just suck it up and embrace whatever I'm capable of at the time.

It's time to stop being a derp, and write some more goddamn pwp!

vampthenewblack: (Default)
2016-01-12 09:00 pm

Woops, I did it again.

So I just got done saying I wasn't going to sign up for anything until Camp NaNo in July, and then I went and signed up for [livejournal.com profile] spn_j2_bigbang. I'm officially insane.

But I did actually write something already. I got an idea over Christmas, and just wrote a little every day through New Year, until I got to the end. Because it's so damn rough, and so...well, unfinished (if I got bored with the scene I was writing, I just stopped and went onto the next one, so it's beyond gappy), I figured the only way I was ever going to get it posted (rather than tucked away in a dark corner of my hard drive to languish in obscurity) was to sign up for Big Bang. Deadlines work for me. I panic like fuck getting there, but I hit those deadlines. And I hate 'letting people down' so once I sign up for a thing, I'll get it done.

It pretty much means Camp NaNo is out though. Big Bang runs through August, but even if I get an early post date (posting starts in June), I know I'll be in an epic flurry of panic right up until the day, and when I've spent months with my head in just one thing, the last thing I want to do next is take on another long fic. I dunno. I won't say no until July, but I'm not holding my breath.

Really makes me think that perhaps, for me, Big Bang is the new NaNo. I mean, I NaNo'd religiously for 6 years, then last year I Banged, and come November I was just like, nope. One big thing a year is about enough for me these days. I must be getting old.

vampthenewblack: (Default)
2015-12-07 11:30 pm

A Shift in my Fandom/RL Balance

Shit's been changing a lot around here. Getting a bit more outdoorsy, over the last year or so. Yep, I started growing things, out in the previously barren back yard last summer, and it went pretty well. What began with one easy care garden bed last September became many, and now I've got plants thriving all over the bloody place.

(It's summer right now in the Southern Hemisphere, of course)

That's pretty much why I chose to not do NaNo this year, because the garden is taking so much of my time, but it's really affecting my writing and fandoming (totally a word) across the board. By the time I do get a chance to sit down at the computer, I'm too fucking exhausted to even think, let alone create. Half the time I just choose to not bother turning on the computer at all. And that's not a major revelation these days, because smartphones and devices and shit, and I do occasionally write on my phone, but it's a bit of a palaver, really only done when I have a midnight plotbunny or something. But I like the old physical keyboard, so.

(a hybrid tablet would be a handy dandy piece of equipment, I'm sure)

Anyway! So I've just posted the last fic I'll sign up to write in a while. It was the SPN Holidays Exhange that I signed up for months ago, and it was, to be honest, one of the hardest things I've ever written, mostly because as the weather got warmer and there was more stuff to be done in the garden, I just didn't have the time or brain-things to devote to it. That was pretty much a sign to not sign up for anything else until the summer is most definitely over!

So, the plan is, the next thing I sign up for will be Camp NaNo in July. That's midwinter here, nothing much will be going on in the garden (except for planting some garlic), and I'll have a good month of frost beforehand to plan the thing!

(then it'll be August, where I'll start gearing up for next summer again, holy crap)

So, yeah. Something had to give, and it's turned out to be the writing. Which I'm kind of okay with, at least with the whole signing up/obligation stuff. That way lies stress and the fear of letting people down if I can't complete things.

I've also retired from modding the FMF comm on LJ, after two years. I'm barely in the Teen Wolf fandom these days anyway, I've still got friends and connections there, and I'm still watching the show and reading the odd fic, but I'm not writing in that fandom at all anymore, so it's a good time to move on.

So, there's some definite shifting going on around here. I'm not leaving fandom or anythign like that, it would be impossible, for one! It's more like going with the flow, really. I'll be around as long as there's shows and books and shit to love :D Right now that's hanging on every fucking episode of Supernatural Season 11...

vampthenewblack: (Default)
2014-11-01 12:15 pm

NaNo '14 - Day 1

*cough*

I thought this was year 5, but it's actually my sixth NaNo. Not counting the one Camp NaNo I did. That seems like a lot. I did my first NaNo around the same time or a little before I really started writing fic and being involved in fandom, so it is a good way of keeping track of that.

But 5 years. Holy crap.

So it's day #1 of NaNo '14 and it's awesome! So far. Give me a week and I'll be tearing my hair out and crying. In terms of where I thought I'd be in my story by todays target I'm way ahead. So I'm slightly concerned that I might not have enough story to fill the 50k. Hopefully things flesh themselves out as I move along, if not I have some backup fic I can write to fill the gap.

Oh! And my story. I've tended to write OF for NaNo, but this year I'm writing a (perhaps) novel length SPN fic. Wincest is best, as is the celebration of unhealthy brotherly co-dependence *grin*

I've already killed Dean. Just this morning. Went well XD

Also, I'm doing this without knowing anything about Season 10, so, spoilerphobe warning. Yep.

I'm just going to chuck this here so I can look at it and freak out when I see red boxes.

vampthenewblack: (Default)
2014-09-12 10:00 pm

I should never be allowed to post WiP's

If it's not psychic fuckery causing me to get kind of kripked, or just being jossed because I'm writing last season while this season is airing, both of which make me freeze up bad enough, it's my not-writer's-block.

I've abandoned WiP fic in a previous fandom. I don't feel too bad about it now (except for this fic, but that's more about my own attachment than any letting people down feelings), because I'm done with writing in that fandom, it's of the past.

A current fandom, though? Ouch. Okay, I pretty much abandoned Ruined because of the aforementioned psychic fuckery and my absolute horror at having written an ending with so many parallels to canon, but the ending is sitting on my hard drive. With a season's worth of distance, I'm thinking I might just post it, with a disclaimer swearing that I hadn't seen or heard anything about 3b while I was writing it, just to call it done.

Somewhere Quiet is my current WiP. I've let things distract me (both fandom and RL), unfortunately, which disrupts the momentum, and leaves space for second guessing. Is the boss fight dire enough? Do I retcon the already posted chapters for a canon detail that didn't exist when I wrote them? Do I trash the final few scenes again because even this third version just doesn't feel right?

I do get distracted ridiculously easy. I have this rule, one fic at a time, but I've been lax about sticking to it lately. Inflection Point is another WiP, and despite it's status as my stress-free happy place, so is Wake Up Dead. And I've just signed up for Teen Wolf Holidays, NaNoWriMo is looming, and Remix is on the horizon.

I'd like to get Somewhere Quiet at least out of the way before NaNo, which, considering there's just this one chapter left to post, shouldn't really be too hard. But I've been kind of panicking, because I knew that what I had written (it was technically done just a few days ago, now, not so much), wasn't right.

But the lovely [personal profile] thraceadams gave me a bit of a pep talk, and I shoved it away in a folder, determined to take a step back and concentrate on other things for a while.

Less than 24 hours later, I was fishing it out again. That disconnect, the letting go, gave me just enough distance to realise that I probably did have to trash most of what I had of the final chapter. Right now I'm concentrating on the first scene of the final chapter (it's with [personal profile] venis_envy right now), making sure the resolution to the casefic part of the fic is right, and then I'll worry about the shippy parts, which, honestly, is what I find hardest right now.

I have gone through and retconned that canon detail (Parrish has a first name now, and even though the fic is firmly within post-3b/pre-S4 canon, it felt weird to call him anything other than Jordan).

So, yeah. I have direction. At least a little bit. WiP's can be a problem for me, though. If I'm writing them when I'm particularly prone to distraction (like now), they tend to stack up. And while I've got WiP's in my past that haven't ended in laggy failure, it's a big risk to start posting before the whole fic is done.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes the simple fact that it is a WiP is what drives me to complete the thing, but that has to happen when I'm not prone to this constant second guessing.

vampthenewblack: (Default)
2014-09-02 09:34 am

August Round Up

I posted pathetically few fics this month, testament to my fail when it comes to writing lately. Thanks to Fullmoon Ficlet though, I didn't go completely stagnant.

Read more... )

vampthenewblack: (Default)
2014-08-26 06:56 am

HP Month and the epic blockage

Nervous.

September is HP Month. Just a thing [personal profile] venis_envy and I are doing to turn back time a year or so and write some Harry/Draco fic. It probably should have been titled H/D month, but whatever.

Everything I write sucks right now. I have no 'flow'. To achieve my intent with a story, I'm having to go very slow and very careful, often pulling back several hundred words to restart.

And I'm starting a lot of really, really rubbish things. Watching my dropbox fill up with badly executed plot bunnies and my AO3 subscriber count drop every time I post something I actually finish.

So my confidence is in the toilet. Which is an unpleasant place to be, but oh well, not like it hasn't been there before and come back again. Annoying, though, right when I want to write some H/D, a pairing I really enjoyed writing around the epic block of 2012.

I was very new to writing HP at the beginning of that. I finished a couple first drafts, started some others, planned some more. And six months later when I finally came out of it (longest.block.ever) it was Harry and Draco that I wrote.

Then Teen Wolf happened, and I've been sort of consumed by it since. I occasionally branch out, I wrote some H/D during NaNo (that's coming up fast, too, another reason to freak the fuck out, but if I'm prepared to write it off as another never-shared NaNo Novel it's guaranteed to break the block—NaNo always does) last year, I've written some Buffy and some Supernatural fic, but Teen Wolf is very comfort zone/main fandom for me.

But it looks weird on my AO3 dash. I feel like I was in HP fandom for some time, I feel like I wrote a lot, and I feel comfortable with Harry and Draco, but looking at the works count you wouldn't think so. I recently posted my 69th Teen Wolf fic, and HP count is like, five.

But. There's an everloving crapload of half finished HP fic in my dropbox. There's at least two finished fics (one's still on paper, and it went to the US with me in 2012 and I haven't looked at it since. I imagine it needs a lot of work, but editing, I can do). I have my Season of Kink Bingo to at least make an attempt at before the deadline at the end of September.

I can do this. I'm going to fucking do this.

*tries to ignore the gnawing guilt over neglected (but not abandoned) Teen Wolf WiP's*

vampthenewblack: (Default)
2014-08-18 10:42 pm

Writer's Block and other fuckery

Some say writer's block is a myth. I do kind of agree with them. It's not some mystical fog that comes down over our keyboards out of the blue. There's always a cause behind those moments, hours, days, months where every time we sit down to write nothing (or nothing good) comes out.

I think I've been doing this long enough now that I can recognise at least some of the causes behind my own personal blockages.

Right now I'm wading through thick mud in an attempt to finish the final chapter of Something Quiet. The story is basically finished, has been for close to a week, at least as far as the casefic part goes. I'm having trouble wrapping up the 'ship aspect, though.

It always takes a bit longer to get final chapters done as I make sure I'm wrapping up all the bits and bobs, but this is ridiculous. I've gotten maybe 800 words out in the last week of sitting down to write every day.

This generally happens when I'm trying to force the story in the wrong direction. In this case, I'm trying to make these two shag when they're really not ready for it. Or I'm trying to make them do it the wrong way. Or something. Pretty much it means that I'm going to have to trash the last weeks work and [personal profile] venis_envy is going to have my guts for garters.

The last two fics I've written—flash fic to a prompt I managed to complete and which is posted here, and a failed attempt at another square on my SoK bingo—I've had to rip back to a point and start over, as well, so I've got a pattern. Real Life has been busy, my writing routine broke, and I'm not back in the swing yet. I keep trying, and end up forcing it, so the stuff that's coming out is often shite.

So until I get my mojo back, I think I'm just going to have to stay aware of this pattern, and accept that more often than not I'm going to have to tear it apart and start over.

Which I'm totally going to do. Tomorrow.

vampthenewblack: (Default)
2014-08-13 09:47 am

Transformative Works and Sharing

I'm kind of passionate about transformative works, I figure that should be a gimme for someone who reads and writes fanfiction or consumes/creates any other kind of fanwork. What we do is legal under fair use, which is awesome. It encourages creativity and gives many of us an avenue to hone our skills in a non-threatening and supportive environment.

For that reason I like to make it clear that I don't restrict the re-transformation/remixing of my fic as long as it keeps to the spirit of fair use and the fandom gift economy. Sharing is caring, and all that shit XD

Transformative Works & Sharing Policy

You're free to transform my fanworks however you like, without asking, provided you:

  • credit me and link to the source work
  • allow others to transform likewise
  • don't profit from it

If you're posting on AO3, use the nifty 'this work inspired by' function to link back. If it's not on AO3, drop me a line so I can link to it.

You're free to share my work non-commercially using the ebooks downloaded from AO3 via email, file-share, torrent etc. These files contain all the necessary credit and links. Do not repost as-is in any other format.

My original fic is licensed individually via Creative Commons.

vampthenewblack: Stiles (Stiles)
2014-08-06 11:27 pm

Because, really, I can only function when I'm locked inside my own head

I'm an introvert with social phobia and a very narrow attention span. And a little OCD. People are okay in small doses, and a select few I can handle in slightly-more-than-moderate doses, but when I don't get my regularly scheduled alone time to recharge I get snappy. And I start to go a little bit insane.

Read more... )

vampthenewblack: (Default)
2014-04-30 12:49 pm

April Round Up

Here's all my stuff that posted in April 2014:

Stiles and the Friendly Neighborhood Tentacle Monster (2435 words)
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Teen Wolf (TV)
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Stiles Stilinski/Tentacle Monster
Characters: Stiles Stilinski, Scott McCall (Teen Wolf), Tentacle Monster
Additional Tags: Tentacle Sex, Teen Wolf Remix, Teen Wolf Remix 2014, Remix, anal penetration, Tentacle Job, Tentacle Monsters, Future Fic, Vet!Scott, Emissary!Stiles, Xeno, Fluff

Stiles gets friendly with a Tentacle Monster.


Under Your Skin (2029 words)
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Teen Wolf (TV)
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Relationships: nogitsune!Stiles/Stiles
Characters: Stiles Stilinski, Nogitsune!Stiles
Additional Tags: season 3b, Canon Divergence, selfcest, dub-con, Coercion, Anal Sex, evil!twincest, Forced Consent, non-con, Nogitsune!Stiles

After the nogitsune splits, leaving Stiles again in control of his own body, the Sheriff takes him home for some well deserved rest. Chaos, strife, and pain ensues.


Heartbreaker (2204 words)
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Teen Wolf (TV)
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski
Characters: Derek Hale, Stiles Stilinski
Additional Tags: Future Fic, Top!Stiles, bottom!Derek, Anal Sex, Pining

Every night, Derek watches Stiles go home with someone else.

vampthenewblack: (Default)
2014-04-01 12:37 pm

March Round Up

Here's all the stuff I posted in March 2014:Read more... )