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[personal profile] vampthenewblack

I miss the days when I obsessed about canon. The days I would sit and transcribe the dialogue of Buffy and Angel episodes. I still have the Latin dictionary I bought to translate the spells and rituals in both series because I needed to know everything. I kept timelines and character bios (yep, that stuff was online, but I totally made my own cos it was fun!). I kept lists of little hints at Angel's history, with plans to fill in the gaps with canon-compliant fic. I wrote some of it, most is lost in the mists of time and a couple of dead computers, or if it remains, it's written longhand in battered, faded notebooks.

I cared, so much about the world and those characters.

I really miss that. I'm older now, busier. Nothing will ever replace Buffy et al as far as fandom goes. Teen Wolf comes damn close, but I haven't so far acquired that all consuming passion. I love it, the world, the concept, the characters, but I lack the fanaticism I felt when Buffy was the thing my world revolved around.

I'm a little concerned that it has something to do with the fact that I can't squee and flail along with everyone else. With Buffy it was fine. I came into the fandom somewhere between Season 4 & 5, and had all that catching up to do, plus, I never really got involved in fandom. It was all still too scary for me ever to get a blog or post fic. And in those days there was no streaming or torrents (if there were, I had no idea they existed, nor would I have been able to partake due to dialup internet—how far we have come!), so spoilers were always well marked. I seem to recall I wasn't that concerned about spoilers anyway. I remember reading transcripts online of episodes that hadn't yet aired in NZ... I could never do that now.

Anyway, I wasn't involved in fandom like I am now. I didn't have fandom friends. I drifted around the outside, reading fic and writing fic I never shared. I had no one to get excited with over my chosen source.

Now I do, and I can't :( I wonder if my lack of squee is a result of having to shut down as soon as the teasers and trailers hit youtube, of having to retreat into my spoiler-proof bubble lest I see or hear something, anything that might give me some indication of what to expect when I eventually get to see the current season. Spoilers induce ridiculously depressive meltdowns in me, why is a whole 'nother story, but they do. So I'm isolated despite the circle of fandom friends I have around me.

I was isolated before. I should just get on with things myself, like I did back in the days when I didn't even admit to my husband that I read and wrote fanfic. But there's this bitter kind of envy that hangs over me like a dark cloud—why do they get to squee with my special fandom friend and I don't?

And maybe that's it. Some kind of sub-conscious self-protection thingy that stops me from feeling the flail. Almost like even the excitement can't penetrate that bubble. I can't let it in, but I can't go completely Teen Wolf free, because I speak to my bestest fandom friend every single day, and she's in the US, and she gets to watch the episodes as they air, and she flails and dies and safe-words out of episodes for reasons I can't allow myself to imagine.

And I could withdraw from one fandom for 3 months if I had to, but I can't withdraw from her.

This season (or half-season, whatever; I'll never understand this whole 3a/3b thing) I am seriously flicking back and forth between 'just download the fucking episodes already' and 'be strong, wait till it's complete'. There are pros and cons for both options. Big on the list of weights and measures is the difference between a complete spoiler-free bubble for 3 months and then a 3b marathon at the end in which I watch all 12 eps in one day, or a regular weekly bubble of 2-3 days, and by the time I do watch, everyone else's squee has faded, and I then have to wait an entire week for the next ep and if it's rife with dramatic cliffies, I'll die, I know I will. This second option also means I'm even more susceptible to spoilers. Just talking with other fans about the ep I maybe just watched invites theories and speculation and tidbits based on teasers, trailers, and 4th wall breakdowns, and for some reason I can't even handle that kind of thing.

And maybe that proves that there is some kind of desperate passion hiding beneath the surface, that I want to keep the source so pure and unpolluted.

I wish I wasn't so busy doing that that I can't feel it.

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